


The Super Pansexual Furry Brothers

by Fiew524



Series: The Super Pansexual Furry Brothers [1]
Category: Mario & Luigi RPG (Video Games), Super Mario Bros. (Video Games)
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:07:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24588823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fiew524/pseuds/Fiew524
Summary: A tale of a flaming homosexual gay rights activist Liberal from Brooklyn, New York; his pansexual, gentrified coffee-shop-owner brother; and their magical adventures to save a Princess from a turtle furry. If you enjoy reading this, you're a… *sorts through hat* you're a cisgender white male. Ha. Take that.
Series: The Super Pansexual Furry Brothers [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1777381





	1. The Fuckening

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Dont read this it's a shitpost. Or maybe you SHOULD read this...yeah...oh yeah.........oh yeah Mr krabs...

Snnnnnnf. Ahhh. Five o'clock in the morning. The perfect time to wake up on this beautiful Monday, make some iced coffee with one hundred percent organic beans, and some avocado toast.

And of course, the bread to make the toast is organic whole wheat. Even though I can't eat gluten, I demanded the cashier at Whole Foods to find me the freshest, grass-fed loaf of bread they had.

I open the biodegradable plastic bag the bread sits in, and take another whiff of the scent of ten different types of seeds that have been hand-placed into the loaf by the Amazon sweatshop workers.

Snnnnnnnffffff. AHHHHHHHHH. I'm so fucking healthy and better than everyone else. Where is my fucking avocado?

This minor inconvenience of temporarily forgetting where I placed something has sent me into a fit of depression and rage. I contemplate suicide for a moment, until I realize I put it in the fridge. The bottom drawer, to be exact.

Believe it or not, I don't wake up this early to fit the stereotype of a 'healthy white woman in her early twenties with severe mental illness that only avocados will cure'. No, I do it to fit another stereotype. I run a coffee shop in Brooklyn, New York. A gentrified one, meaning I used my whiteness to kick out all the Blacks and Latinos from their bodegas and family-owned barber shops to build this.

My dream home.

A beautiful one-thousand square foot coffee shop with my own personal townhouse above it. It's got everything! Cold metal stools sitting at hard, wooden tables you'd see in a Viking's home. Edison lights inside instead of outside because I'm so fucking quirky and original uwu.

Bare, brick walls. They used to have sheetrock and paint but ugh, the aesthetic of a textile mill from the nineteen-twenties is a nice homage to my ancestors.

I also had to tear down what the previous owners had. Family pictures and a Cuban flag? Fuck outta here with that. It's all just a bunch of road signs and old license plates strategically placed to spell 'Live Laugh Love'. Because that makes me quirky!

My brother, Mario, groggily walks in the kitchen. Still half asleep, he mumbles something about the gay agenda, and rummages through the fridge.

I was too busy slaughtering this avocado to listen. Oh, I almost forgot to make a fruit smoothie too! Because every sane, twenty something year old has the time to do that!

"Can I have some of your coffee?" He asks, rubbing his eyes.

"You're up early." I reply. "Sure, just one cup. It cost fifteen dollars just for one bag-"

"Fifteen dollars?!"

Mario looks up in horror. "Where are you getting this coffee?? For that price??"

I rolled my eyes. "Duh, Whole Foods, where else?"

"That fake organic store that's owned by Amazon? Which is owned by Jeff Bezos? Who doesn't pay taxes or treat his workers well?"

"Mario, Mario, listen, I'm only a Liberal when it's convenient for me. I don't actually care about the others suffering from late-stage Capitalism-"

"Alright. Fine. Whatever. Just… fuck, how do we have the budget for this?"

"My coffee shop is running very well after the grand opening. You would've known had you been there!"

"Luigi, we talked about this. I don't see any potential in this business; why bother showing up? And why not just get the shit that comes in the delivery trucks?!"

Like every other Liberal, I block out Mario's criticism by dissociating. "Never get high off your own supply, Mario. Street rule number one!"

"Oh, so you're selling drugs too?!"

I take a sip of my overly-pretentious bean juice. "I might be selling Xanax to upper-middle class white women in the suburbs, yes."

"Je...Jesus fucking Christ, Luigi…" Mario stammers and pours himself a cup. "Shit, I'm gonna need some Vodka with this if you keep acting this way."

I take a bite out of my avocado toast. Mmm. Cronch. White superiority. High class privileges. "Well, Mario, it looks like you'll have to prepare for a future of being an alcoholic, because I also booked a fancy little road trip for the two of us."

"Without my permission and with my debit card, I presume?"

"Nooooo…." Cronch. "I used my drug money to rent us out a little van so we can visit Time Square for a day."

"What the hell's going on in Time Square that's so important you felt the need to rent a van and not just take a cab?"

I stir my iced coffee with a metal straw to save the turtles, despite knowing we're all fucked either way. "Haven't you heard? It's not a show or anything, it's just another plumbing gig. Some construction guys need help with the sewers. Van's for carrying materials."

Mario sighs and goes for a sip, but stops. "Man… do you really think the shop will take off? God, I'm so burned out with plumbing, I might just start selling drugs myself."

"Despite my self-diagnosed depression telling me there is no hope, I'm going to try it anyway! Besides, we already rented this place out! Even if it fails, we can convert the shop into a meth lab! So it's a win if you win and a win if you lose!"

"Christ…"

I flinch. Ugh… religion. Well whatever. If Mario doesn't believe in my unrealistic dream then I'm the only who will! Besides, everything I said was true. Business has been booming. We only had three customers, but when you're this pretentious in a high-tourist area, you can get away with charging twenty seven dollars for a large coffee.

"We better get a move on if we're gonna make it in time!" I say, as I greedily inhale the last of my precious bean water. "We start at seven. You know how traffic is. I'll get dressed."

"YOSHIIIIIII!"

Mario sighs. "Aww, fuck he's awake. G'mornin', Yosh'."

"YOOOO- ew, what is that?"

"Crack cocaine, apparently. Are you coming with us to the job?"

"Eh…" Yoshi brushes his long, black hair from his face. Not because he looks like a famous Kpop idol, but because he's severely narcissistic and just likes to show off. Even at five thirty in the morning...

"I understand if you don't want to. It's just another plumbing job Luigi hyped up. Shit, the crew will probably finish by the time we get there. God..."

I couldn't help but eavesdrop and overhear the worst thing imaginable. I lose my shit. Graaaaah! "MARIO!!"

"What the fuck do you want now, Luigi!? I thought you were putting pants on! You know you get massive morning wood this early in the morning!"

"WE DO NOT SPEAK OF THE LORD IN THIS HOUSEHOLD, MARIO!"

"Oh my fucking G- alright just shut the fuck up and let's-a-fucking go already!"

Yoshi rubs his head awkwardly. "Eh, should I wait in the van?"

"And risk the possibility of there being a bunch of pedos hiding in it? No, you stay here. Sorry about that, it's just that… Luigi really hates anything religious."

"That's kind of how it is with Daisy, too, right?" Yoshi pours himself a cup.

"Nah, I can't talk about God at Daisy's house because she considers that to be 'taking the Lord's name in vain' and I can't talk about God around Luigi because he's Atheist."

"Atheist? So you can't show any religious interest around him?"

"No, just with Christianity. If I bring up anything Buddhist or Hindu, he'll culturally appropriate the fuck out of it."

"Ah. So that's why he's got all the Indian tapestry on the walls. I thought he was just high on shrooms this whole time."

"That too." Mario finally takes his first sip of sweatshop-labored coffee. "Huh? Geez… for fifteen dollars, you'd think this would taste better!"

"That bad huh? You know…" Yoshi trails off and pauses for a moment. "I can't thank you guys enough for adopting me off the streets…" He awkwardly strides from left to right.

"Oh it was no problem at all!" Mario says, with a grimace on his face from… whatever taste this was. "I um…" Mario burps. "Ah? Excuse me. But yeah, you know. You've proven to be trustworthy to us, so the least we can do is house you and… ugh, seriously what is wrong with this coffee?"

"I'm back!" I run back into the kitchen and see Mario's face. I laugh. "Do you not like it? It's top quality bean juice, you know!"

Mario rolls his eyes. "Stop calling coffee 'bean juice' to be quirky!"

"Oh, I'm not calling coffee 'bean juice' to be quirky, I'm calling bean juice 'coffee' to be quirky!"

"W...what?"

"It's literal bean juice! I have to get my protein in-"

"HURRRRGEGFHFURUFHFHRUFHFHFBLEEEEUGHHAACFFYUUUAGH! MOTHERFUCKER! YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING ICED BEAN JUICE THIS WHOLE TIME?!"

Mario violently vomits the strange concoction in the kitchen sink. Yoshi quietly pours his back into the pot when no one is looking and leaves the room to go wait in the van. He'd rather take his chances being diddled than being poisoned via my shenanigans. Understandable.

I ignore my brother and head to the van. Ugh, one hour left until we have to be there… we're going to be late! "Mario! Quit puking and let's-a go!" I get in the van with Yoshi and go to start the ignition, but it stalls.

"Oh fuck me sideways in a Denny's parking lot! Why the fuck can't anything go right in this bitch-ass household?" I contemplate hanging myself, but then who would run the store? Yoshi looks over at me with a confused and angered expression.

"He'll be out in a minute." He says, referring to Mario, then looks at me. "What's wrong?"

"What's wrong?! I have fucking no idea! The van just wouldn't start!" I slam my fists on the steering wheel, and for some reason it honks.

Hoooonk!

"Yarrg!" I shout, startled.

"SOCIETY!" Mario responds, throwing open the van door and climbing into the backseat. I think to myself that he must have some form of Tourette's-

"What the fuck, are you two actually retarded or something?" Yoshi angrily shouts. "Luigi, let me drive. I'll just hotwire the van. Fuck…"

Yoshi very gayly climbs over the seat and onto my lap instead of just opening the fucking door like a normal person. I loudly sigh and and climb into the passenger seat, letting Yoshi do whatever the fuck he wants. I watch him hotwire the van in less than two minutes, and make a note to myself that he might come in handy in my drug dealing adventures. Before we knew it, we were finally on the road and on our way to fix the sewers of the busiest, most tourist-attracting area in New York.

Time Square.

Or… fuck, is Times Square? Like plural? Fuck it, let's-a go!

☻☻☻ 🐌 🐌 🐌 ☻☻☻

Yoshi sighs. "It's a straight shot from the house, how the fuck did I miss a turn?"

"Yoshi," I reply, "We have to take a detour. There's construction up ahead-"

"You absolute fuck-tard! Is that not the fucking construction site that we have to be at?!"

"Oh shit. You right. It's straight ahead, then."

Yoshi growls under his breath, mentioning something about Communism, and turns to parallel park. But we hit a pothole or something, because a loud bump was heard from the back of a van.

"Mamma mia! What-a the fuck-a was that-a?" Mario shouts as he bolts up from the back of the van.

"Mario stop being such a fucking stereotype! We just hit a potho-"

Thunk.

What the…? "Yoshi what was that?" I ask, as I'm starting to get worried for realsies.

"I don't know! I didn't run over anything! I'm just trying to switch lanes so I can park-"

"Well did you sideswipe someone or hit a biker?!"

"There's nobody else on the road!"

I look out the window. Oh shit, he right. Where's all the traffic? I just realized there's nobody out-

THUNK.

"Aaaaaahhhh!" Yoshi screams and for some fucked reason, he swerves. We ride up on the sidewalk.

THUNK THUNK THUNK-

"The road is collapsing!" Yoshi is screaming at panicking at this point. I'm holding on for dear life to the armrest, and Mario is helplessly bouncing around in the back, thrashing around and desperately looking for something to grab on to.

Yoshi was right though. The road was suddenly collapsing in on itself. The loud bangs were chunks of the asphalt hitting the underside of the van.

"What the fuck is…" I couldn't finish my sentence. As I look around, the road suddenly appeared to be dipping down. "Why are we speeding?!"

"I've lost control! We're literally falling into a hole or something! I can't brake!!" Yoshi is furiously gripping the wheel, trying to steady the van.

"Is it an earthquake?" Mario chimes in. He was able to stand up and balance himself by putting his hands on the roof for support. For some reason, I felt calm. Time seemed to slow down. There were no people on the sidewalks and the roads were still bare. I don't know what's happening, but something is telling me to drive. I look over at Yoshi and grab the steering wheel. He starts to scream again but I block it out. I block everything out. For some reason I just… felt in control of this situation.

"Luigi, no! It's all going downhill from here!" Mario starts to panic and scream again, but I still remain calm.

"Downhill is still a destination!" I scream back, not even realizing what I'm saying or what it means.

"LUIGI!!"

It was too late. We crash their van into the side of a pole instead of going downhill into whatever void was opening up, and we all go flying out of the windshield.


	2. The Awakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mario, Luigi and Yoshi wake up in a mysterious lala land of cult members. Will they make it out alive?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bazinga.

"Hipsters are just hippies who take one extra step in their personal hygiene!"

"Yoshi. There is a difference! Hipsters are more unique and intelligent-"

...That was Yoshi and Mario talking. I could hear them, but their words were fading into just sound. I couldn't understand what they were saying anymore.

Wait… no, that was a memory! They had that stupid conversation about three days ago.

"YOU CISGENDER WHITE MALE-"

"Luigi. You are white too-"

"NO! My Liberal logic compels me to insult people of my own race! And by insulting I mean just pointing it out. And I have to make fun of them for being a different gender than I am! Don't worry - this will all prove my points eventually!"

Mario sighs. "Luigi…"

Another memory? Why is my mind flashing them all to me like this? Why was I such an asshole back then?

"U...ugh… Luigi? What happened…"

Mario tries to stand, but he can't move his body.

"W-we crashed the van! Oh my God, am I paralyzed now?! No… where's Luigi? I can't see anything!" Yoshi screams. It was true, though. None of us could see.

"Mario, Yoshi, I can hear you but I can't see you." I say, but my voice is echoed for some reason.

"We hit a pole…" Yoshi replies weakly.

"No, it was a sewer pipe." Mario corrects him. "It was green and… why was it above ground?"

"Why the fuck does that matter right now?! Luigi made me crash the van and now I can't feel my legs!!"

Yoshi starts kicking his legs despite self-proclaiming they didn't work anymore, but then we hear a whoop noise.

WHOOPWHOOPWHOOP

A large gust of air blew from below the pipe, and before we knew it, we were falling down.

☻☻☻ 🐌 🐌 🐌 ☻☻☻

We awaken several hours later in the middle of a vast, green field. The green pipe we fell down… or up… was behind us.

"Why is everything green?" Mario is the first to verbally comment on the monotone scenery. "Hey, Luigi, your clothes! You're green too!"

I look down at my shirt. "Fuck? The what?" I must have been too brain damaged from the fall to form coherent sentences. Mario and I were wearing matching clothes but he was in red. Yoshi was wearing a mixture of both - he had a green shirt with a red backpack.

Okay. This must be a dream. I feel calm, but there is a subconscious nagging telling me something isn't right. Well duh, we crashed, but… I guess we died? And this must be… Heaven?

I shudder. I don't want to think about religion in a time like this. I watch Mario attempt to stand, but he has a limp. That's when it hit me.

"This is real, isn't it?" I whisper in shock. Yoshi starts to take fruit out of his backpack and I shake my head. No… everything is too cartoonish.

"Is everyone alright?" I ask, noticing some houses in the distance. "We either died, or we lived but got kidnapped by a cult. And if it's the latter, I'm beating the shit out of them. Then, I'll make them eat the shit I beat out-"

"Luigi, stop. We're alive. Look, we're breathing and no one's too hurt. Mario probably sprained his ankle from standing in the van like a dumbass." Yoshi retorts.

Okay well, if Yoshi still has his bad attitude then… this must be real.

"There's people coming. Maybe they're the cult leaders. Guys, let's ask for help!" I shout and quickly stand up. Mario limps behind me, so Yoshi decides to carry him on his back.

"Don't you dare fart on my fruit, Mario." Yoshi begrudgingly warns him.

"I'm-a gonna fart-a everywhere!" Mario shouts in response. He then jumps off Yoshi's back about ten feet into the air, and lands perfectly on his feet. We cringe at the audible snap of his ankles, and watch, stunned in horror, as Mario somehow sprints towards the group of potential cult members.

Before Yoshi and I get the chance to even process what just happened, Mario immediately turns his back to the group and bends down to where his hands touched the ground.

"Well hello there, young travelers! It's good to see you've all recovered from that fall!" One of the group leaders shouts to us. "Apologies for the change of clothes; you were all so bloody and mangled that we had to change them."

Leader Man finally takes notice of what Mario is doing, and Yoshi and I catch up to him.

"Is that what happened? So we are alive?" I reply then sigh in relief. "Mario, what-"

"I'M-A GONNA SHIT-A MAH PANTS-AH!"

"HEEEEIIAYAAAAAAAPLAARRRFFGJFFHSGSGWJHEHWHAHDHWGWGSGDHEHWSHSGSHSHSBSGFUUUUUAUAJAJQUIAJEEEEEWWWWSSSSUSHAHATSHAHAHAHAAHAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAGAGAGAHHHRJEJA IMMA FIRIN' MAH ASS LAZARRRAHAHAHAHHAHAHAGA! MWAHAHAHAHA! BLAREGDJSOSPSHHSOAPAGSIAOOAYOURMOMISGAAAAAYAOQLDJSK I AM LITERALLY SHITTING MYSELF EVERYONE FUCKING RUN FOR THE HILLS!! HIDE YOUR WIVES, HIDE YOUR CHILDREN! IT'S NOT STOPPING!"


	3. Holocaust of Farts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luigi tries to call Daisy for help, after he and Yoshi flee to Toadsworth's house for shelter. Mario has gone mad on a rampage. But, things take quite the shocking twist...

Let me tell you something. The life of being a younger twin brother to someone so beloved and cherished is Hell in itself. Having to live in that brother's shadow. While you get ignored. That… that was another level of Hell.

Watching your brother… mercilessly fart upon a group of ten defenseless Jehovah's Witnesses…

Just… What did I do to deserve this? Does God hate me? I… I just had to shield Yoshi the best I could and watch on in terror… as my older brother just… dear God he sent them all flying.

A fucking nuclear Holocaust of Farts exploded out of his asshole. And we couldn't stop him. This absolute mad lad of a man just relentlessly sharted the loudest, fattest, juiciest fucking fart I've ever heard.

A thick, green cloud of smoke just schwoomed out and swept them all away…

Our one and only chance at help.

Gone…

We died. Either that or the bean juice was laced with something. We really died didn't we? There's no way someone can shart that violently and survive.

"M...Ma-Mario…" I stammer in horror. "What did you do, brother?"

Oh, the smell! Mario looks at me with a sickening grin, and begins to limp more profoundly towards Yoshi and I.

"Brönther. YOU WILL CALL ME THE FART MAN FROM NOW ON!" Mario screeches like a fucking retarded demon.

"NOOOOO!!" I panic and jump onto Yoshi's back without thinking. Yoshi must have panicked too, because he started hauling ass towards the houses we saw earlier.

☻☻☻ 🐌 🐌 🐌 ☻☻☻

After banging on everyone's door and hiding from Mario, I was beginning to lose hope when nobody was answering. Finally, we came upon a brown house where an elderly man answered. I briefly thought how he could've heard us, being so old, but I pushed that thought out. We didn't have time to think; we barely even had time to run away from a crippled homosexual that was violently shitting his pants.

"S-sir!" Yoshi stammered and put me down. "If you could please… may we come in and use your phone? S-some accidents have happened…" Yoshi trailed off, I could tell he didn't want to get into the details.

"Oh my, well certainly boys! Do come in! My, you both look a bit injured. What happened?" The man responds and steps aside to let us in. I notice he has a name tag with the word 'Toadsworth' written on it.

"Well…" I say. "We were injured before and some villagers helped us but, they got scared away by th...this-"

I couldn't finish my sentence. What the fuck was I even supposed to say? That my twin brother just fucking… took a massive shit on the same people who helped us? So massive they went flying over the horizon?

"You both seem shaken up. Please, come inside and sit down here… I'll make some tea, alright? Er, and the phone's right here." Toadsworth points to his living room as we cautiously enter his home. Was Mario following us? I scan the house for exits just in case…

Yoshi and I sit down and inhale the scent of firewood and green tea. Ahh… better than literal shit… I turn to Yoshi as the old man heads to the kitchen. 

"Hey thanks for carrying me. I didn’t know what else to do. Who should we call?"

"Fuck if I know! What the Hell happened back there?!"

“I…” I don’t know. All I know is, is that we’re trapped in this nightmare and we needed to find a way back to Brooklyn. I didn’t even know if we were on Earth anymore. Maybe we were in a different dimension. One filled with farts and cults. Who was I even going to call? Ghostbusters? Fuck no… our parents were dead, too, so I didn’t have any other family to call. Maybe…

“What about Daisy?” I ask.

Yoshi lights up and beams with a smile. “Yes! She’s the only one we know back in Brooklyn.”

Alright. Daisy it was, then. I dial her number and put the phone to my ear. It rings, so that meant we got phone reception in this weird world.

Ring. Ring. Ring.

...What? What was that? Why did the ringing sound so… close by? I look over to Yoshi, who also had a confused expression.

Ring. Ring. Ring.

“Come on, pick up the phone, Daisy-”

“Luigi… why does it sound like the ringing is coming from upstairs….?” Yoshi asks me with a shaky voice. I hold the phone away from my ear to listen. There was in fact a distant ringing… coming from directly above us…

I didn’t even think anymore. I slammed the phone down and immediately ran up the old man’s stairs. He didn’t see me, as he was still making tea. And Yoshi didn’t call out to me, because he didn’t want to alert him either. I just had to book it, because I didn’t know what mental state Mario was in and I can’t risk the chance of him finding us here. I finally get upstairs and try to map out where I heard the ringing. It did sound directly above us, so I moved to the room above the living room. Here…

I take a deep breath. No time to think about what was going on. I just had to do it. If I open this door, the answers to everything will be behind it. Maybe even a portal to go home; or another sewer pipe. I open the door-

“It’s-a me, Luigi! And I’m here to beat-a the fuck-a outta whoever’s messin’ with us-a!”

I stop dead in my tracks. There, standing before me, was none other than….

“Hi! I’m Daisy!”

I scream. I slam the door shut and fly down the stairs, but trip on the way down. I do about three to four rolls and land with my bare ass up, because somehow, my pants got caught and ripped off, despite them being overalls. I didn’t care. I just had to get Yoshi and run away again, maybe this time in the forest. So I jolt up, cock and balls out for Harambe, and carry Yoshi out of the house bridal-style. He is screaming, of course, and so am I still. The old man hears us and starts screaming as well, with the freshly made tea in a kettle in his hand. Daisy runs down the stairs as Yoshi and I bare-ass it out the door, and she starts screaming, too.

I start crying hysterically. Not knowing what else to do, I just run around the village with my majestic Italian dick out, flopping in the wind. This is horrible! Now, not only is Mario searching for us like a serial killer, but his pants were off too! And now mine are!! We were both butt neked!!! I start crying even harder while carrying Yoshi, who during his screaming, starts crying as well.

He starts thrashing in my arms as I carry him, and claws at my shirt. I unintentionally blocked his fit out as I kept running. We turn the corner of another villager's house, and see that it was an alley that leads to the Town Square. There were markets gathered around, women and children, and just other villagers in general trying to live their peaceful lives. I scream even louder as I couldn't prepare myself to stop, now having a full blown panic attack. During my rampage, I must have blacked out from the shock and horror, because all I remember next was throwing Yoshi off my back, and seeing him land in the well.

Yoshi screams even louder in terror as he lands in the water, trying to not drown or get even more injured. Villagers scatter, and I drop to my knees, exhausted. I start having a full blown anxiety attack and begin seizing on the ground. Villagers are screaming. Yoshi is screaming and gargling water. And I scream as well, as the anxiety attack turns into a heat-stroke induced seizure.

I flop around, screaming for help. My legs are thrashing and kicking. A woman villager comes to try and help me, but I accidentally kick her in the tits, which sends her flying into the well with Yoshi. Now my arms are thrashing as I'm trying to control myself, but kicking that woman made everything worse. My dick is flopping around on it's own, which mentally scars the kid villagers who were looking on in confusion. A group of men come and try to beat me with shovels, but it's no use. I cry, no, I sob. I piss myself. Piss goes spraying everywhere. I shit myself too, then for some reason, I violently cum.

And that was the last thing I ever remembered…


	4. The Cumming of Christ

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luigi, Mario and Yoshi go to Court for their various crimes and meet... some interesting characters, as well as make new discoveries.

This. Was the worst day of my life. I cannot believe I am still here, in this Mormon cult, now on TRIAL for crimes I didn't even commit! Now what, we're in some type of jail cell. I don't remember much of what happened, but apparently, my crippling anxiety got the better of me back in the village. Yes, I had a full-blown meltdown. Yes, I kicked a woman in the tits. Yes, she drowned. Okay sure, that was involuntary manslaughter but did I really deserve everything else?! Literally everything I've done so far was because of Mario. Truth be told, Mario fucking scares me. Yoshi doesn't know this, but that meltdown Mario had is quite common for him. He doesn't usually shit his pants like that, but he does have some weird ass demons in his head that cause anger management issues. Nothing a little cocaine can't fix, but still, it can get out of hand at times.

And that was Yoshi's first time seeing him like that, I suppose. We've only had Yoshi as a roommate for about a year, but he's never seen our mental illnesses. Poor little bitch... first he was homeless, now he's stuck with us. He was sleeping in our jail cell with us, still knocked out from nearly drowning in the well. Shit, I don't even remember throwing him in. Something is really wrong with me, huh? I guess it's better than being homeless, but still, we're not giving him much of an ultimatum.

Oof. Why was it so cold in here? Oh, that's right! I lost my pants!! Shit, my dick was still out! I tried to stand up, but my legs were too sore from the thrashing. I still had bruises from the shovel beating, too. Which I deserved, but did they have to beat my dick? That was like, ninety-eight percent the reason why I came so violently. I am a bit of a masochist, you see, so...

Anyway! I'm just going to assume that in the morning, we'll be woken up and taken to a courthouse for trail. Oh, boy. I wonder what type of wonderful charges they'll bring up. Murder, for sure. Public nudity, yeah. But... something was still on my mind that clogged those charges out.

Daisy.

Daisy! What the hell! That started my initial freak out... why the fuck was she here?! I knew she was a Conservative Christian, but I had no idea she was into Mormonism! And why was she even here with us? We don't know how we got here, so how did she? That must mean there's a way back, or at the very least, this place is close to Brooklyn. So, we must still be in New York.

I grunt and try to stand again, really forcing myself up. I fall. Fuck's sake!! My legs must be broken or something. That's when I notice my brother Mario on the floor next to me. Wait a minute...

OH, FUCK, MARIO!!!!

How the fuck did they capture him?! I inspect his body, and of course he was pants-less too. Great, so we both have our dicks out and the guards didn't give us like, a prison uniform or anything?! Wonderful. Wait, why were we both in this oddly sexual position, though? We were both face down and ass up. Asses towards the cell door too, so the other prisoners and guards could see our Italian sausages. Grah!! Why?! Was that done to shame us, or something?!

Wait, I have an idea. I'll just use Mario's back to prop me up, and once I'm standing, I'll limp over to the window. It was night time now, and I could see some stars. We must be in Central Park or something. It's too clear and quite for us to be in Brooklyn.

"Here I go!" I shout for self-encouragement, and huddle over to Mario. I put my elbows on his back to prop myself up, but of course I fall again. I land face-first on his bare ass, and of course he farts again!!

"REEEEEEEEE!!!" I screech and then vomit on him from the stench. I was worried he would shit on me, so that gave me enough motivation to stand up and limp like a cripple towards the window. Yoshi was still out, so that meant I could be loud and not worry about him waking up. I press my face against the cold metal bars of the prison window, and inhale as deeply as I could.

"SNNNNNNNNNNFFFF. AAAAAHHHHHHHH!" I sniff, it was five o'clock in the morning. I recognize that scent of air anywhere! Oh Gods, and I scream because I'm so fucking stressed out! The fresh air was enough to bring tears to my eyes. So I start sobbing again. For everything that's happened so far, it came up to me in more of a healthy way and not having-a-seizure way.

After having a crying-out-the-stress spell, I try to look at my legs with the moonlight shining in. They weren't broken, but I got confirmation that they were severely bruised. My ribs were, too. I didn't care about Mario anymore, but I looked at Yoshi. He had a small bruise on his head, but that was it. I limp back over to a bed and lay down there, instead of the floor. The guards can deal with Mario's ass covered in vomit in the morning for all I care. It's what he deserves.

When I woke up again, it was seven o'clock and this beautiful morning sunlight was pouring in. Yoshi woke up and seemed to be healthy enough to not... like, faint, or anything from his head injury. He was giving me dirty glances though, understandably so. I sheepishly grin back, but his gaze pierced my gay little heart. I dun fucked up big time.

We both look around and see that Mario was being drug out by guards for a shower. They tossed in some prison uniforms before closing the door, and Yoshi and I get dressed without saying anything.

"Um..." I start. "I'm sorry for-"

"Oh, for what, Luigi? Almost drowning me like that poor woman?" He snarks back while putting pants on. "For pissing on that elderly man? For cumming everywhere? In front of children?!"

He sighs and pops his head out of the shirt. I sigh and button mine. "I don't know what came over me. I don't expect forgiveness, but I am truly sorry."

Yoshi looks at me and contemplates. "It was mostly Mario's fault though. I know he can trigger things in you."

Ah, so Yoshi was aware of our mental problems. And still decided to stay with us! That was reassuring to hear. But, that didn't make this situation any better.

"What now?" I wonder out loud.

"They're taking us to court to officially charge us with crimes," Yoshi replies. "Then, we'll be in prison for life and die here."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And so, here we were. In the Courtroom. I was standing next to Yoshi at one table with I'm assuming was a Court-appointed lawyer. Mario was at the table next to us with a guard and handcuffs. Jeez, what did he do in the showers?! He and the guard both were wet a bit. I hope no bodily fluids were involved. I look around the Courtroom. And... what the fuck?!

Daisy was here! And for some reason, she was wearing a tiara and an orange dress. What the fuck? Why was she dressed like a princess? She's got nice tits, I'll give her that. Hopefully I won't have another fit and kick them. But then I started to notice something weird about the people here. Why did everyone look so... inbred? I saw Toadsworth standing next to her, as well. He looked pissed.

The Judge, who, for some reason looked like he was wearing a turtle costume, bangs his gable to silence us.

"Order in the Court! Alright. As you all know, we are gathered here today to charge these fiends with the destruction of our village."

The crowd cheers. What the fuck?! We didn't destroy anything!

"Now then, let me lay the charges as they stand. First, we have murder. The one in red is responsible for using some type of gas weapon to send our team of travelling medics across a field. Their children died upon impact, and the adults have broken bones everywhere. They're all in the hospital and cannot be with us today."

I... oh my fucking Gods. So the group that healed us yesterday was this town's travelling medics? Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah, I know I'm saying his name, but I don't care. I could really use him right now.

"The second charge will be war crimes. It is illegal to attack medics. Third is terrorism. This gas attack was similar to Agent Orange, so we need to treat these criminals as if they were sent here to kill us all!"

What... the fuck...

"Fourth charge is being presented by Mr. Toadsworth. Please take the stand, sir."

I look over to the old man who graciously let us in his house. He gets up to the stand and clears his throat.

"I would like the fourth charge to be destruction of property, you Honor!" He boasts. "You see, these men tricked me into letting them into my house. I did, thinking they were hurt, and the one in green destroyed my staircase and put Princess Daisy in danger! He also removed his pants and flashed his shlong at her!!"

The crowd gasps, and Daisy looked pissed too. Wait, did he just call her 'princess'?

"Mr. Toadsworth, I approve of this charge. This will make the one in green a registered sex offender."

Nooooooooooo! What the fuuuuuuuuuuck!!!

"And so," the Judge continues, "charge five. Public nudity. Charge six, disturbance of peace. Charge seven, involuntary manslaughter of Abigale Toadboat, the woman who perished in the well. Charge eight, exposing himself in front of children. This will add ten years to the green one's sex offender sentence. Charge nine, inciting violence. That seems to be all. Is there anyone else who would like to take the stand?"

The Court is silent. I can feel the eyes of everyone glaring into the back of my head, filled with anger.

"Okay." The Judge says. "The punishment for everything combined is 524 years in prison with no parole. Court is dismissed."

"Wait!!" I wail, startling Yoshi who was silently crying. "What about our lawyers?! Won't they defend us?"

"We won't." The man in the suit said to me. "I changed my mind. Y'all motherfuckers need Jesus."

I began to weep. We were done for! Our lives have been ruined! Grrrrrr, this was all Mario's fault! That's it, I've had enough!!!

"MARIO!! I'LL KILL YOU!!" I jump twenty feet in the air, over the table, and wrap my hands around Mario's neck, strangling him. He punches my ribs, and I start to have a fit again. I flop on the table and start seizing. Fuck, not here! Not now! But it was too late. Daisy ran over and tried to pin me down. Sure enough, I accidentally kick her in her massive mammories; the very thing I was worried about doing. She screeches and somehow manages to scratch Mario in the face, causing him to shout.

"My-a fucking Italian nose! You bitch-a!" And with that said, Mario glomps Daisy on the head. Her massive tits flop out of her dress, exposing her royal assets to everyone. Yoshi must have decided he had enough too, because he runs over and starts pummeling Mario with fists of fury. He punches Mario in the face, the ribs as well, then round-house kicks him. He goes flying back and hits the wall. Yoshi jumps and goes to attack again. Since when could we jump this high...? I don't know. All I care about now is watching Yoshi beat the fuck out of Mario. I don't know what came over me, but I was mad at Daisy for trying to stop me. I grab her and throw her across the building, and she lands on Mario, her tits smothering him almost to death.

Now, Yoshi is even more pissed and starts kicking Mario in the balls repeatedly. For some reason, it makes a 'da-ding' noise, like a coin going inside a toy ATM machine. Everyone is screaming, and the Judge, still dressed like a turtle, is screeching like a dragon. I decide to join Yoshi and go back to punching Mario.

"STOP! STOP THIS MADNESS!" A high pitched scream filled the Courtroom. I stop punching my brother in the face and look up. Huh?! PEACH?!

Sure enough, our friend Peach was here too! That was strange, she told us she was living in France. But now she's here like Daisy is! Wearing the same tiara and a pink dress. What the fucking turkey balls is going on?!

"AS PRINCESS OF THE MUSHROOM KINGDOM, I DEMAND ORDER IN THIS COURT!" And just like that, everyone stopped fighting and sat back down. Daisy decided to keep her shlams out, and me and Yoshi were bleeding. Mario was grumbling to himself. I look up at the Judge. He was... grinning?

"AND YOU THERE, JUDGE, WHERE IS YOUR OUTIFT? WHY ARE YOU DRESSED LIKE A TURTLE-"

Plomp!

Huh?

SCHWOOOOOOOOOOOMPSH!!

"Je... Jesus?"


	5. Chapter 5: Oh Sweet Lordy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jesus comes down from Heaven to settle the bullshit Mario and Luigi started

"Yes that's right, motherfuckers. It's me. Literal Jesus. Now someone, please, tell me what the fuck is going on over here?"

Jesus Christ floated down from the... well, air, and landed on top of the only intact table in the fight. Everyone was silent. Stunned. I myself couldn't believe what I was seeing. I was still going through the struggles of trying to figure out if everything going on was a fever dream or not... and now this? I mean shit, what else is going to happen?

Yoshi and I's lawyer dipped a long time ago. Daisy was fondling herself, possibly trying to recover from the bruises. Mario seems to have fallen unconscious, and Peach was crying hysterically.

"Don't make me ask again, you cunts! What's going on here?!"

I had enough. I was sick of this. And, I needed answers. I cleared my throat, then found a random inbred-mushroom person standing still from the shock. I walked over to him and climbed on his shoulders, then stood on his deformed mushroom looking head. Trying to balance myself, I swung my arms in the air. "JESUS!" I shouted. "It's-a me! Luigi-"

"I know who you are, faggot!" Jesus screamed back angrily.

"Then you must know why we're here after all!" I shot back. "Because no one in this Your-Father-Forsaken land knows either! We're all fucking confused!"

Jesus sighed, then flew over to the Judge's stand, where Bowser still was. He grabbed Bowser by his love handles (at least I think his name is Bowser? That's what my lawyer was calling him...) and yeeted him across the room. The Bowser Judge man landed with an oof, but recovered quickly. Jesus was now the Judge. "Alright," he said, very obviously tired. "Restart this whole court meeting. Explain everything!"

I explained everything from my perspective, then Yoshi did. Then, the man I was standing on did. Mario woke up sometime during Yoshi's testimony, and after another freakout, he was able to calm down and give his. Then, Peach gave hers. Toadsworth actually retracted what he said earlier, after finding out Yoshi and I were actually innocent, lost and confused. Daisy explained why she was here, too.

Long story short, this was real. This was all real and actually happening. Not a fever dream. Unsure of what to do, I sorrowfully glanced at Yoshi, who seemed to be a bit more calm in this situation. We found out Daisy and Peach were actually fuck-buddies but weren't out of the closet yet, so that's why they were here. Not only that, but they supposedly were ruling over some kingdoms here. Daisy was the princess of Sarasafuckland, and Peach was somewhere off in Mushroom land. Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. I just wanted to go home. After everything was explained, Mario still got hit with a lot more charges, but Yoshi and I were set free, as we were finally seen as innocents. Mario was ultimately sent off to a labor camp in Peach's Mushroom Thing, and Jesus sent Yoshi and I home. Wherever home was...

I sighed and looked up at the sky once we finally left the courthouse. Jesus was ascending back to Heaven, and apparently didn't wear any underwear, so I blushed and harshly looked down again. Yoshi was too tired to say anything, understandably. We waddled over to a bench, sat down, and realized it was actually a bus stop. We looked at each other with an understanding look, and waited for a bus to come. To take us... anywhere but here.

Once the bus came, we boarded, and so did a lot of the inbred-shrooms. Bowser, too. He gave us a half-nod and sat in the seat in front of us, and five minutes later, we were riding off somewhere. Everyone was still silent, unsure of what to even say or do. That's when I realized the bus driver was a turtle thing like Bowser, too. It started raining after a while, and he looked back, trying to make conversation with some of the passengers. The human ones got off at some weird village with another turtle as a Mayor (his name was Tortimer), and Yoshi and I got off with Bowser at some other village. But this time, the people were... short and brown... had sharp teeth. Some of the turtles had wings and were flying. Some regular turtles were throwing hammers, killing each other. We were too tired to care.

I was absent-mindedly following Bowser, and Yoshi was picking fruit from bushes to stuff in his backpack. Thinking of New York again, I was starting to come up with a plan...

"Yoshi!" I must have startled him, because he dropped all his apples. Wait, why the fuck were apples growing from a bush-?

"Damn it! The fuck, Lu?" He grumbled and started picking them all back up.

"Sorry. Hey, listen. I have a plan to get back to Brooklyn. We can start over without Mario. Hell, it would probably be better without him there."

"Better? I hate to admit this, but Luigi, Mario was the only one out of our fucked up relationship that had a job. What do you have? A failing coffee shop and some drugs?" Yoshi shot back at me.

I sighed. "Shit, you right."

In front of me, I saw Bowser perk his head up. "Did somebody say drugs?!" He asked, and turned around to face us. "Ah, didn't mean to eavesdrop."

"'S'all good. You need some?" I replied, and pulled some coke out of my pockets. It was weird how it was still there, especially considering how I lost my pants quite a few times since we got here.

"Shit dude! How much?"

Bowser and I exchanged a deal, I earned "50 dollars" but they were in coins. I'm guessing it was this land's currency? Yoshi rolled his eyes. "Alright, Luigi, what is this plan of yours?"

"I'm thinking we settle here for a while, and gather a lot of information," I began, "apologize formally to Daisy, get to know her more. Get to know the villagers more-"

"And then just leave everyone behind? Including Mario?"

"Well... yeah." I admit, my plan wasn't too thought out. But I mean shit balls, what else were we supposed to do with all this new information?  
"I just... want out normal lives back, Yosh'..."

Yoshi sighed.

I sighed too.

What to do...?


End file.
